today i am dying

ugh. my nose won't stop dripping and i have absolutely no energy to move today. the worst part is i have to be better by tomorrow.

this has been the worst week of my entire life.
i didn't get either the scholarship or the research scholars program that i applied for which means i'm going to be really really broke this summer. joe and i had a huge screaming fight during my party on friday night and things are still a little weird for me but better than yesterday.

i have so many huge life-changing decisions to make over the next few weeks.
first i need to decide if i want to run for the sns board of directors again. i'm not sure i want to do this because i'm so sick of everything sns right now. i think it may just be because cabaret hurts me a lot more than i first thought it would and things are just getting really stressful and strained. the break would be really nice. but at the same time, this is such a big part of my life that i don't know if i can let it go. i feel like my only role in this organization sometimes is just being a board member. sure i'm on production staffs and stuff but i don't actually do much of anything with that. i don't know what i'm going to do.
second is the poo. i know he says i don't have to decide anything at all right now. and i'm glad we've decided to take things really slow at least until carnival is over and everyone's life gets a little less complicated (even if still just as busy). i really don't know what i want out of this relationship right now. maybe just a friend? i still hate labels and all the bullshit that goes along with relationships. i don't know what to do about that.
third, but way more long term and far off to decide, is grad schools. right now i feel like a failure and dr woolford's list of grad schools for me including yale, harvard and mit just seems stupid and impossible. at least most places on that list provide full stipends to go there. i wouldn't have to pay for much of anything which is good because i wouldn't be able to at all.

on a lighter note, i think the highlight of my week was going out to phi bar with the bio people on friday and the beginning part of that party (before i got locked into my own bathroom and screamed at for an hour). phi bar and bio people was a nice change for once. it was so relaxing and just fun. pictures are in my andrew space andrew space. and that is also fun. if this becomes a weekly thing i will be very happy.

and unfortunately, my life gets no easier this coming week. it just gets busier. with classes and paints and carnival and scotch of the rocks and work and aaron's sedar, i will have no free time at all. joe and i won't be a problem because we won't see each other at all for the next two weeks. it's going to be insane.

i need tissues and to be able to breathe and be happy again. good thing i have fluffies.