can't sleep, this is bothering me

yale has fantastic science. i mean, i'm currently at one of the top biology programs in the country. and that's great. biological research is what i want to do. it's why i'm here.

but it isn't enough. the other reason i decided to come to yale instead of a number of other places was because i thought i would have other opportunities outside of science. opportunities to be involved in theater and music and art, things that have been the other half of my life for as long as i can remember.

but new haven and yale don't actually hold those opportunities. sure i can try to audition for plays that the undergrad dramat group does. but the competition is too fierce and i'm not that good. i can try to audition for the grad student a capella group, but the turnover of members is too slow, and they just don't need more female singers. so in the end, all i get is the science. and that's not enough.

that's why i'm bored all the time and i feel like i have nothing exciting to look forward to each day. i don't look forward to the end of the work day, because there's nothing at the end. i go home and do nothing. sure i like being in lab, and i sort of look forward to going to do experiments i guess, but it's not the same. this is why i'm upset. this is why i'm always mad at certain people in pittsburgh, because they have the opportunities to continue with their lives and move on to better and more exciting things and i feel stuck. with nothing to balance out the science and labwork, i become a cranky, depressed, and irrational person. i get upset over really stupid things.

i don;t think this is something specific to yale, unfortunately. i'd probably be feeling the same way if i had gone to ucsf or penn or duke or wherever. i don;t know what to do. i don;t know where to find my other half, my balance, my whatever i need to survive.

the problem is, if i decide that this is so awful and i can't deal with it and leave, i have no where else to do that would solve this problem. sure i could take a year off and go home, but i'd go crazy there too. at least here i still have the biology to think about.

i feel like the only thing i look forward to is going out with friends and drinking. which makes me feel like an alcoholic. which sucks.

sorry, i just had to get that all out. maybe now i'll be able to fall asleep. but probably not.

i don't know. somebody help me out of this awful pit of despair i'm in. find me something to care about.