revelations

first, the trip to canada this weekend was amazing. it was really good to spend time with the people i care about most without having to worry about all the insanity that resides in pittsburgh. highlights and photos to be posted at a later time, perhaps tonight after i finish my little bit of homework.

second, i made the decision this morning to not be involved in rumors in any way but being the sns historian. this decision came about for several reasons, which i won't state becuase i have no idea who read this. the main reason, though, was that i felt that by being involved i would be causing myself a lot of unnecessary stress and pain and would end up jumping off the cathedral of learning out of frustration. so that's that.

third, tyson asked me after i had posted about script proposals why i wasn't planning on proposing to direct any of them. i told him that because i was applying to grad schools this year, i am unsure about what time i will have in the spring; i should be visiting lots of schools for interviews and would not want to commit myself to directing and then be unavailable. if it turns out that i don't get any interviews, i will have no free time because i will either be hardcore job searching, or dead, from having thrown myself off of the cathedral of learning for failing at life. that is the main reason for me not proposing to direct. the secondary reason is that, although i have the interest, i do not have the drive or motivation to propose. a lot of work would have to be done to dig me out of the giant pile of poop that i have been put under in recent past. since that's not going to happen anytime soon, i'm not directing.

fourth, i think my transition into the bitter old fart/nosy sns lurker/rob s/adam p bitter fool is now complete. so ignore everything i say because most likely it's just stupid, bitter, and worthless, make a bboard that i won't know exists where you can gossip about me, and generally consider me a terrible person. i really did deserve the most bitter kudos award and i accept that.

i really hope that i get the chance to act and/or direct someday. maybe in grad school. or maybe in real life in some community theater somewhere. right now, i don't think that acting/directing are an option for me even as a hobby, and that makes me sad. i've pretty much accepted the fact that i suck (maybe not terribly, but compared to those around me, i'm just not good enough). i don't feel comfortable or welcome anymore.

i think perhaps that my bitterness mostly stems from carnival proposals last year. that is a stab in my heart that still has not healed and makes me want to either cry or hit things when i think about it. i just don't understand what went wrong. i wish someone had explained it to me at the time when i asked. maybe then it wouldn't hurt quite so much.

end of rant and complaining. not that anyone would, but please don't comment with some rediculus exclamation about how i'm just doubting myself and that i'm a wonderful person. i agree with both of those statements to some extent. but i just don't feel worthwhile or welcome anymore, and right now that hurts and sucks. i'll get over it and move on in a day or so. just give me some time off and let me distance myself.

i'm glad i'm graduating.